Florida

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This sign lets you know it's all over

Florida is a magical peninsula located in the bottom right corner of a brutish nation known as 'Murka. Because it's shaped like a flaccid penis, Florida is known as "America's dick." It's also commonly referred to as "The Gunshine State," because gunshine rhymes with sunshine and we have a lot of guns here. There are beaches here, and Publix subs, along with meth heads, rednecks, old people and other incredible wildlife.

Florida is actually the worst state

Inhabitants[edit]

Florida is home to a diverse collection of wildlife.

Floridians[edit]

Nice, sandal-wearing, sweet, talkative, weirdos who inhabit Florida.

Florida Natives[edit]

Those who were born in Florida are Florida Natives.

Florida Mans[edit]

Florida Man is the eternal anti-hero found in crime headlines. He is the perpetual identity of many people, caught in the cycle of death and rebirth in Florida. As one overdoses, another is born from parents who had no idea sex causes pregnancies. Florida Man lies dormant in all of us. He comes out especially when drunk. He is known for his bizarre, anti-social behavior and lack of intellect. Though the individual may change, Florida Man is a constant in Florida's fucked up headlines. Florida Woman is his female counterpart.

Rednecks[edit]

Usually found in trailer parks, the Florida Redneck is often a gentle creature unless provoked. Signs of Florida Rednecks include loud black exhaust from their giant pickup trucks, empty beer cans, overwhelming freedom, and smiles that make you smile. Sometimes they have Rebel Flags on their trucks and belt buckles. These inhabitants are very helpful if you get stuck in a mud pit. The Florida Redneck differs from the regional American Redneck in subtle ways, and is a completely different breed than the Stupid Redneck Asshole.

Florida Crackers[edit]

These creatures distinguish themselves from the rednecks. Often they are also Florida Natives or at the very least Floridians.

Alligators[edit]

Known as the Florida Cat, these creatures are dinosaurs that never died. Only tourists fear them.

Lizards[edit]

From the anole to the iguana, we have a lot of lizards.

Old People[edit]

Geriatrics come from various shithole places like Michigan and New Jersey to soak up the warmth. Florida is known as "God's waiting room" for that reason. Most old people move to The Villages.

Midwesterners[edit]

Toothless, inbred imbeciles that come from places like Kansas and Ohio. Usually these creatures become Florida Mans and Florida Womans very quickly. Most of them are Junkies sent here by their parents to live with their grandparents. Junkies love this arrangement because drugs are cheap here and old people are easy to steal from.

Yankees[edit]

Yankees come from up north and are hated by the Stupid Redneck Assholes. From loud-mouthed and elitist to smart and in-between, these inhabitants bring culture and civility to an otherwise brutish and hostile state. Sometimes, Yankee Hustlers come here to prey on the Florida Natives. Stupid Yankee Assholes flock here in droves to pester the shit out the Florida Rednecks.

Californians[edit]

California is the other Florida, but with more college graduates and legal weed. Californians usually fit in here.

Tourists[edit]

throws up a little

Transplants[edit]

People who move to Florida and completely reject Florida culture. Usually rich old Jews and Republicans.

Settlers[edit]

Transplants who adapt to some Florida culture, but have not yet become full-fledged Floridians.

Zones[edit]

Florida can be divided into 9 main zones. You can browse the latest news articles for each zone to get a feel for what each one represents: [1]

Northwest[edit]

This is "The Panhandle," also known as Lower Alabama. Mostly populated by meth heads and dirty rednecks. Suitably, the Florida State Capitol is in this zone.

Counties: Bay County, Calhoun County, Escambia County, Franklin County, Gadsden County, Gulf County, Holmes County, Jackson County, Jefferson County, Leon County, Liberty County, Okaloosa County, Santa Rosa County, Wakulla County, Walton County, Washington County

Big Bend[edit]

Hickville contains even more rednecks.

Counties: Alachua County, Baker County, Bradford County, Citrus County, Clay County, Columbia County, Dixie County, Gilchrist County, Hamilton County, Hernando County, Lafayette County, Levy County, Madison County, Putnam County, Suwannee County, Taylor County, Union County

Northeast[edit]

Daytona Beach and Jacksonville are in this zone. Lots of hoodrats can be found here, as well as some rednecks that migrated over from North Florida.

Counties: Duval County, Flagler County, Nassau County, St. Johns County, Volusia County

Central West[edit]

This zone houses The Tampa Bay, which is the armpit of Florida. Lots of rednecks and transplants live here.

Counties: Hardee County, Hillsborough County, Manatee County, Pasco County, Pinellas County, Sarasota County

Central[edit]

Where old people and Mickey Mouse live. Lots of junkies and rednecks can be found here as well.

Counties: Lake County, Marion County, Orange County, Osceola County, Polk County, Seminole County, Sumter County

Central East[edit]

North of Miami, this is where rednecks and Caribbean people meet.

Counties: Brevard County, Indian River County, Martin County, Okeechobee County, St. Lucie County

Southwest[edit]

The Everglades. Swamp people live here, as well as lots of interesting wildlife that are slowly being eradicated by greedy humans.

Counties: Charlotte County, Collier County, Glades County, Hendry County, Highlands County, Lee County

Southeast[edit]

Miami, basically. The international part of Florida. Normal people live here.

Counties: Broward County, Miami-Dade County, Palm Beach County

The Keys[edit]

Tourists and fishermen.

County: Monroe County

Industry[edit]

Tourism[edit]

We trap tourists here.

Florida traps tourist with their Visit Florida campaigns

Pill mills[edit]

We supply da dirty souf.